JessandJohn

Kindly refer to the time stated on your invitation. It has been selected with great precision, following considerable deliberation and an entirely unnecessary number of discussions. Punctuality is a virtue. Fashionably late is a concept we have chosen not to recognise.

Absolutely not. The legal formalities will have been dealt with on a separate occasion, with all the necessary signatures, witnesses, and administrative enthusiasm.

This gathering is dedicated entirely to the more enjoyable aspects of matrimony: good company, excellent food, a respectable quantity of champagne, and celebrating without anyone having to sit through a ceremony.

The paperwork is complete. The festivities, however, are just beginning.

We take these matters rather seriously. Please inform us of any allergies or dietary restrictions when confirming your attendance. We would prefer the evening to remain entirely free of medical emergencies.

Naturally. The seating arrangements will have been considered with the seriousness ordinarily reserved for international peace negotiations.

We simply ask that you consult the seating plan, take your designated place, and trust that our decisions were made with the very best of intentions.

Certainly. This is a celebration, not a classified military operation. Nevertheless, we politely request that guests refrain from conducting a full-scale photographic production during the event. Our photographer Antoine has been appointed to the task.

We are delighted to report that we already possess plates, cutlery, and a somewhat excessive number of drinking vessels. Additional material possessions would require the acquisition of a larger residence. Your presence will be more than sufficient.

However, should you feel inclined to make a contribution, a card containing a little something would be most warmly received. For those who prefer the modern marvel of a bank transfer, kindly contact us for the necessary particulars.

Naturally, there is absolutely no obligation. Your generosity, in whatever form it may take, is deeply appreciated.

By the stated deadline. Not the following morning. Not when the spirit moves you. And certainly not three days before the event with the words, “Hope it’s not too late!” Our caterers are professionals, not clairvoyants.

Circumstances change. We understand this intellectually, if not always emotionally. Should your attendance require amendment, kindly inform us at the earliest possible opportunity. Preferably before the seating chart has been laminated.

We have submitted a formal request for favourable weather. The relevant authorities have yet to respond. Regardless, the celebrations shall proceed with dignity, determination, and whatever umbrellas prove necessary.

The forecast suggests sunshine. We have taken every reasonable precaution against the alternative, short of negotiating directly with the Portuguese meteorological authorities.

July in Porto is generally a rather agreeable affair. Sunshine is expected, temperatures are likely to be warm, and we have submitted a formal request for clear skies.

Should the Portuguese summer become excessively enthusiastic, rest assured that air conditioning has been arranged. We intend to celebrate, not slowly roast our distinguished guests.

Depending on the location of your accommodation, we recommend arriving on foot or by taxi. Both are perfectly respectable means of transportation.

Parking at the venue, however, is entirely nonexistent. There are no designated spaces, nor may vehicles be left overnight. We strongly discourage embarking on a heroic search for a parking spot.

Porto River Hotel on Google Maps

We have not. After considerable reflection, we concluded that selecting accommodation for an entire assembly of individuals, each with their own tastes, requirements, and rather particular notions of comfort, was a responsibility best left to the individuals themselves.

We therefore encourage you to explore Booking.com, admire the photographs with a healthy degree of scepticism, and select an establishment that suits your personal preferences and budget.

We have deliberately refrained from recommending any particular hotel. One person’s charming boutique residence is another person’s architectural nightmare.

We trust your judgement entirely. Or, at the very least, your ability to read reviews.

Not a single centime is required for the festivities. Food, drinks, and all wedding-related pleasures have been taken care of.

Naturally, should you wish to purchase a souvenir, embark on a late-night shopping expedition, or make an entirely unrelated financial decision, we trust you will make the necessary arrangements yourself.

Indeed. We intend to establish a communal photographic archive documenting the evening’s finest moments, questionable dance moves, and any other incidents deemed worthy of preservation.

A QR code will be provided, allowing guests to contribute their photographs directly from their phones. We encourage enthusiastic participation, although we reserve the right to question certain artistic choices.

Both, rather extravagantly.

Our celebrations will take place aboard a boat, with indoor and outdoor spaces available for your enjoyment. Guests may admire the scenery, enjoy the fresh air, or retreat inside should the weather become disagreeable.

In the unlikely event of rain, we shall simply move indoors and continue as though this had been the plan all along. A minor meteorological inconvenience shall not be permitted to interfere with the proceedings.

Porto is a magnificent city. Its historic pavements, however, were evidently designed by someone with a personal grievance against high heels.

For those arriving on foot, we strongly recommend bringing a pair of flat shoes. Even guests arriving by taxi should take note: the passage from the shore to the boat involves a rather steep gangway, which may prove challenging in particularly ambitious footwear.

By all means, wear your most magnificent heels. We merely suggest having a more practical alternative available for the journey. Elegance is admirable. Remaining upright is preferable.

Good heavens. We thought we’d covered everything.

Nevertheless, should you find yourself in possession of a question so remarkably specific that it has escaped our attention, you are most welcome to contact us by email or WhatsApp, whichever method best suits your personal communication philosophy.

We shall endeavour to respond with our customary grace, patience, and only a moderate degree of exasperation.

We do, however, recommend consulting this document once more before initiating correspondence. One never knows. The answer may have been there all along.